What men actually want, and what they say they want

Sofia is twenty-seven and teaches fourth grade in San Antonio. At brunch, her friend Marisol announces a rule she read online. Men only want one thing, and they run the minute you want more. Sofia has dated a couple of men who fit that. She's also dated one who cried at her grandmother's funeral and asked to meet her family. She can't make both fit one rule.

So here's the question. What do men actually want in a partner? And is what they say the same as what they do?

Start with what men say. In a famous study of thirty-seven cultures, led by the psychologist David Buss, men put more weight than women on looks and youth, and women put more weight on a partner's financial prospects. A twenty twenty study across forty-five countries found the same pattern. That's strong evidence, for what people say.

But here's the part that rarely gets quoted. In that same study, men and women put the same four things at the very top. Mutual attraction and love, dependable character, emotional stability, and a pleasing disposition. On a second list, both sexes ranked kind and understanding first. The differences are real, but they sit on top of a shared list.

Now what people do. At speed-dating events, the psychologists Eastwick and Finkel found that people's stated ideals barely predicted whom they actually liked. Face to face, looks and earning prospects moved men and women about equally. In person, the famous sex difference nearly disappears.

What about the one thing? A study from nineteen ninety found that men lower their standards for a fling, not for a partner. For a long-term partner, men were nearly as choosy as women. It's one older student study. And in a twenty nineteen Pew survey, about six in ten single American men were looking for a relationship or dates, compared with about four in ten single women.

And the romantic ones? In a set of six studies published in twenty eleven, people assumed women say I love you first. It was actually men who confessed first, and men were happier to hear it. Older research found men score higher than women on romantic beliefs. Some individual men do avoid commitment, and we'll cover how to spot that. But judge the man, not the sex.

Now, his side. A lot of us are lonelier than we look. Gallup found that in twenty twenty-three and twenty twenty-four, a quarter of American men aged fifteen to thirty-four felt lonely a lot of the previous day, compared with eighteen percent of young women. That's not your job to fix. But it explains why some guys come on too strong and others vanish. And face to face, we choose on what you do. Warmth, humour, whether it feels easy.

Let's change one fact. Instead of asking whether men want commitment, Sofia asks whether this man does. On a third date she says, I'm looking for something that could turn into a relationship. What are you looking for? Research we'll cover later says what a man says about casual sex does predict how he behaves. So believe the first answer.

The trap to avoid is a rule about all men, whether it's a cynical one or a hopeful one. Rules feel safe because they spare you from judging each person. But depending on which rule you picked, they make you miss good men or excuse bad ones.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Men and women want mostly the same things, so judge the man in front of you by what he does, not by what men supposedly are.

This week, write down three qualities you'd want in a partner. Then notice how many are about character, and how many are about looks or money. Next time, your values, your dealbreakers and your standards.