Consent, plainly

Ethan is twenty-six, a line cook, and it's his third date with Maya. They're on his couch after a movie, and things are going well. They're kissing. Then Maya goes quiet and still. She doesn't push him away. She doesn't say anything. Ethan's thought is, well, she didn't say no.

Before we start, this lecture is general information, not legal advice. Laws differ by province and state, and they change. For your own situation, talk to a lawyer or a legal clinic. And this course is for adults dating adults.

So here's the question. She didn't say no. Is that a yes?

In Canada, the Criminal Code defines consent as her voluntary agreement to the specific sexual activity. It has to be there at the time, not earlier. She can take it back at any moment, by words or by what she does. A yes to kissing isn't a yes to anything else. A yes an hour ago isn't a yes now.

The Supreme Court of Canada has been very clear. In the Ewanchuk decision in nineteen ninety-nine, it said, There is no defence of implied consent to sexual assault in Canadian law. In twenty eleven, it held that a person has to be conscious the whole time. And in the Barton case in twenty nineteen, it said consent has to be communicated, not guessed at.

In the Kirkpatrick case in twenty twenty-two, the Court added that if someone agrees only with a condom, then sex without one is something they didn't agree to. The Code also closes the easy excuses. Believing she agreed is no defence if you didn't take reasonable steps to check, or if that belief came from your own drinking. Silence isn't a yes. The law expects you to ask.

In the United States, it varies by state. Some states use older language about force. Others use affirmative consent. California's campus law, for example, says lack of protest or resistance doesn't mean consent, nor does silence. Because the rules differ, use the highest standard everywhere, a clear and ongoing yes. It's legal everywhere, and it's respectful everywhere.

Now, her side. Maya going quiet could mean a lot of things. Tired, unsure, uncomfortable, or not sure how to say stop in a near-stranger's apartment without a scene. What she needs is for Ethan to notice, and to make stopping easy. A man who checks in doesn't kill the mood. He makes it safe for there to be a mood at all.

So Ethan stops and says, hey, you okay? Want to slow down? Maya says she's tired, and actually she'd like to head home. He walks her out, makes sure her ride is there, and tells her he had a great night. That isn't losing. That's the man she'll want to see again.

Let's change one fact. They've both had four or five drinks. Now two things change. If she's too drunk, she can't consent at all, whatever she says. And Ethan's own drinking is no excuse for misreading her. If you're wondering whether she's too drunk, that's your answer. Get her some water, make sure she gets home safely, and call it a night.

The mistake guys make is thinking that asking will ruin the moment, so they guess instead. Guessing is how people get hurt. Asking takes five seconds.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Consent is a clear, sober, ongoing yes, to this, right now, and if you're not sure, stop and ask.

This week, say a check-in line out loud, alone, until it sounds like you. Is this okay? Want to slow down? Next time, lines you never cross.