Before you meet: vetting, the video call, catfish and scams

Before this module starts, one thing, said plainly. If someone harms you, that's on them. Safety habits lower the odds. They never put you at fault, whatever you did or didn't do.

Chloé is twenty-three, a student in Montréal. For five weeks she's been messaging a man from an app. He's warm and funny, and he says he's never felt this way about anyone. He works on an offshore oil rig, so a video call is always tricky, and meeting has to wait until his contract ends. Last night he mentioned a problem with his bank.

So here's the question. How do you tell a real, busy man from a made-up one, before you've spent months, or money, on him?

The Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre lists the warning signs. Someone you haven't met says he loves you. He pushes you onto another app quickly. He always has a reason he can't meet or video chat. He says he's local but works overseas. He gets upset to guilt you into sending money. And in the United States, the Federal Trade Commission found the oil rig and the military base were scammers' favourite cover stories.

So, three checks. First, a reverse image search of his photos, which the Federal Trade Commission recommends, shows whether they belong to someone else. Second, a short live video call. Two minutes is plenty, and many apps now have photo checks and video calls built in, so see what yours offers. Third, keep chatting on the app at first, where you can report him.

Why bother? In a twenty nineteen Pew survey, six in ten American women aged eighteen to thirty-four who used dating apps said someone kept contacting them after they'd said no. And in twenty twenty-five, Canadians reported about sixty-three million dollars lost to romance scams, while Americans reported more than nine hundred million to the FBI. Nobody publishes how many victims are women. Anyone can be targeted.

Where to report. The Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre takes reports online any time, or by phone on weekdays, from ten in the morning to a quarter to five, Eastern time. In the United States, report to the Federal Trade Commission or the FBI. And report the profile in the app, so it can't reach the next person.

Now, his side. Most men on the apps are real, and plenty are camera-shy. But a real man who likes you will do a two-minute video call, even an awkward one, or suggest a coffee instead. Our companion course for men tells guys to video chat first and to treat your checks as normal, not an insult. Scammers target men too, so a decent guy gets it. What he won't do is spend five weeks making excuses.

Let's change one fact. When Chloé asks for a quick video call, he says, sure, give me ten minutes. He turns up in a messy kitchen, a bit nervous, and he's clearly the man in the photos. That doesn't prove everything, but he's real, and a short coffee somewhere public is now a sensible next step. The check didn't insult him. It sorted him.

The trap to avoid is politeness. After weeks of lovely messages, asking for a call can feel rude, and refusing a money request can feel cruel. Scammers are professionals, and they count on kind people. If you've already sent money, you were targeted by experts. That isn't a character flaw. Stop paying, and report it.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Check the photos, get a short live video call before you meet, and never send money to someone you haven't met in person.

This week, look at who you're chatting with. For anyone you'd like to meet, suggest a two-minute video call, and notice who says yes. Next time, the first meeting, and getting home.