Myth round-up and your ninety-day plan

Mateo is twenty-nine and drives a delivery route. Three months ago he joined a Tuesday night volleyball league, and that's where he met Jess. They've been together ever since. Last night his nineteen-year-old cousin Eli sent him a video of a guy in sunglasses explaining how to make women chase you. Eli's message said, is this true? Mateo wrote back, sit down, this'll take a minute.

So, for Eli and for you, here's the question for our last lecture. After everything we've covered, what's myth, what's real, and what do you actually do on Monday?

Here's the myth round-up, fast. Women want jerks? In the research, kindness and character top the list for both sexes. Alpha wolves? Wild packs are families, as the biologist David Mech showed. Eighty percent of women chasing twenty percent of men? That came from photo ratings on one dating site, not from who ends up together. Negging? No study shows it works, and put-down humour goes with unhappier couples.

Power posing? A larger repeat study found no effect on hormones. Pheromone sprays? A double-blind study found no effect on attractiveness. Ninety-three percent of communication is nonverbal? That came from two small studies of single words said in a mismatched tone. The thirty-six questions? They build closeness, not love.

Playing hard to get? It tends to lower liking. And pushing on after a no? That isn't romance. It's one of the most common complaints women report about dating apps, and in Canada, repeated unwanted contact can be criminal harassment. Every one of these myths shares the same flaw. It treats a woman as a lock to pick, not a person to meet.

Now, her side. Jess didn't fall for a technique. She noticed that Mateo showed up every Tuesday, talked to everyone, laughed at himself when he missed a serve, and asked her out once, plainly. When she said, maybe after the tournament, he said, sounds good, and meant it. She felt safe and seen. That's the whole secret, and it isn't a secret.

Let's change one fact. Put Eli in Mateo's shoes, three months from now. Here's the ninety-day plan. First, one group that meets every week. A league, a class, a run club, a volunteer shift. Go every single week, because friendship takes many hours, and simply being there again and again builds liking.

Second, the practice ladder. A real sentence to a barista, then a classmate or coworker, then someone at your group. Everyone, not just women you find attractive. Third, reconnect with one friend. Send the text. Hey, it's been a while, want to grab food Thursday? Fourth, if you use apps, let a friend pick your photos, message people you share something with, move toward a real plan, and don't make the app your only door.

The mistake guys make is trying to do all of it in one week, then quitting after one awkward night. Or going looking for the next guru. You don't need more secrets. You need practice, and time.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Show up somewhere every week, be kind, ask plainly, take a no well, and let time do the rest.

This week, pick your group and put the first night in your calendar. That's day one of ninety.

And if things feel heavy, not just with dating, please reach out. In Canada and the United States, call or text nine eight eight, any time. HeadsUpGuys is a free website for men dealing with depression. If you're younger, Kids Help Phone is there for you. And tell one real person how you're doing.

That's the course. You don't need to become a different man. You need practice, patience and people. Treat women as people, treat yourself with the same kindness, and keep showing up. I'm Tanya. It's been a real pleasure. Now go get good with people.