Asking her out, plainly

Owen is twenty-seven, a line cook who plays in a Tuesday trivia league. For two months he's been on the same team as Maya, a teacher who knows every capital city on Earth. They talk every week. He wants to ask her out, but he's heard you should play it cool and never text back too fast. So he's doing nothing, very coolly.

Here's the question. Does playing it cool work? And what's the right way to ask?

Start with playing hard to get. Two studies by Xianchi Dai and colleagues found it made people want the person more, but like them less, and only when they were already committed. Otherwise, it lowered both. One small study found women were most drawn to men's profiles when unsure how much the men liked them. That was profiles only, no real meeting, and it's no basis for a strategy.

What does work? A speed-dating study by Paul Eastwick and colleagues found that people who were keen on everyone weren't liked back. Interest aimed at one person in particular was returned. And other research found that the more two people talked, the more attracted they became, because they felt understood and comfortable. So be interested in her, specifically, and let her see it.

Now, texting. When we went looking for research behind rules like wait three days, or never reply too fast, we found no peer-reviewed support for any of them. None. So here's our advice, which is common sense, not a tested finding. Use texts to set up a plan to meet. Match her pace. And if she doesn't reply, don't send a string of messages.

Now, her side. Maya has noticed Owen. She's also noticed he goes a bit stiff whenever she's friendly. She can't tell if he likes her or is annoyed with her. His cool act isn't reading as mysterious. It's reading as not interested. And she has no reason to chase a man who seems not to care.

So how do you ask? Plainly, with a specific plan. Maya, I really like talking with you. Would you want to get dinner on Saturday, just us? A specific plan tells her it's a date, not a group hang. And it gives her something easy to say yes or no to.

Let's change one fact. Owen asks, and Maya says, I'd love to, but Saturday doesn't work. Is that a no? Maybe not. If she offers another day, great. If she doesn't, he says, no problem, let me know if another time works, and leaves it with her. The ball is in her court, and he doesn't keep throwing it.

The mistake guys make is thinking distance creates desire. Mostly, it creates confusion. The other mistake is the vague ask, we should hang out sometime, which leaves her guessing what you mean.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Show interest in her specifically, ask for a clear plan, match her pace, and forget the timing games.

This week, practise making a specific plan with anyone, a friend, a cousin, a coworker. Instead of, we should get food sometime, try, want to get tacos on Thursday at seven? Notice how much easier it is to answer. Next time, taking a no well.