Friends of friends, work and parties

Arjun is twenty-five and works in customer support at a software company in Mississauga. Two things are on his mind. His friend Kevin has invited him to a housewarming where he'll only know Kevin. And there's a woman on the marketing team, Leah, who he really likes talking to at lunch. He's thinking of skipping the party and asking Leah out on Monday.

So here's the question. Where do couples actually meet these days, and what changes when it's at work?

The best data comes from the United States, from the sociologist Michael Rosenfeld and his colleagues. Among American heterosexual couples who got together in twenty seventeen, about thirty-nine percent met online. About twenty percent met through friends, and about eleven percent through work. For couples who met in nineteen ninety-five, it was two percent online, thirty-three percent through friends, and nineteen percent through work.

Three honest notes. Those numbers are for couples who met in twenty seventeen, almost a decade ago. A couple can be counted in more than one category. And there's no Canadian study like it. But even then, about six in ten couples didn't meet online. Friends, bars, work, school and neighbours still add up.

Friends of friends is still one of the best routes, and the easiest on everyone. When a friend introduces you, she already has a small reason to trust you. So say yes to the housewarming, the birthday, the barbecue. At a party, talk to everyone, not just the one woman you noticed. Ask people how they know the host. Help with the ice. The guy who's easy to be around gets invited back.

Now, work. This part is general information, not legal advice. Laws differ by province and state, and so do company rules. Dating a coworker usually isn't against the law. But many employers have policies about it, and some require you to tell them about a relationship. So check your employer's policy first.

Then three lines. Never ask out someone you supervise, or whose job you can affect. In Ontario, workplace law counts an unwelcome advance from someone who can grant or deny a benefit as sexual harassment. Ask once, plainly, away from work tasks. And one clear no ends it. In Ontario, repeated unwelcome comments or conduct at work count as harassment. She still has to work beside you on Tuesday.

Now, her side. When a coworker asks Leah out, she's weighing more than whether she likes him. If she says no, will lunch get awkward? Will he be strange in meetings? Will people talk? That's why the way you ask matters so much. Make it easy for her to say no, and make sure nothing changes at work if she does.

Let's change one fact. Arjun goes to the housewarming. He doesn't meet anyone special. But he meets Kevin's roommate, who invites him to Sunday volleyball, where he meets six more people. That's how friends of friends works. It's slow, it's a chain, and every link is a person who can say, oh, Arjun? He's good.

The mistake guys make is skipping the party because they'll only know one person, and treating a coworker's friendliness as a green light. At work, friendliness is often just part of the job, and people read friendliness as interest far too easily. We'll dig into that in module five.

Here's the rule, in one breath. Say yes to invitations and meet friends of friends, and at work, check the policy, never date down the chain, and take the first no.

This week, say yes to one invitation you'd normally skip, or ask a friend to bring you along to something. Next time, dating apps, used well.