Your rights, and if something happens

A content note first. This lecture talks about sexual assault, in plain words, with nothing graphic. Pause whenever you need to. Jasmine is twenty-six, a nurse in Kingston. On Sunday morning her friend Tessa calls, voice small. Tessa went back to a guy's place after a party. They kissed. When he wanted more, she said wait, and he kept going. Now she keeps asking, does it count, if I went back with him?

So here's the question. What are Tessa's rights, what are her choices now, and how does Jasmine help?

This is general information, not legal advice, and laws differ by province and state. In Canada, consent means a voluntary agreement to the specific act, present at the time it happens, and she can withdraw it whenever she wants. A kiss isn't a yes to more. Going back to his place isn't a yes to anything. And in the Ewanchuk case, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled out implied consent.

A few more rights, in plain words. Too drunk to be capable means no consent, and his own drinking is no excuse. Asleep means no consent, even after an earlier yes. If she agreed only with a condom, sex without one can be sexual assault. And her past can't be used to argue she was more likely to agree. In the United States, laws vary, but a national government survey counts being worn down by someone who keeps asking as sexual coercion.

Now her choices, and every one is hers. She can report to police. She can get medical care, and ask about evidence, without deciding to report. She can get support only. The American government's Office on Women's Health says you don't need to press charges to have evidence collected. In Canada, hospital-based treatment centres can give medical care and talk her through evidence options, and sexual assault centres offer free, confidential support.

In Ontario, survivors sixteen and older can get free independent legal advice by phone or video, whether or not they report. That's one, eight five five, two two six, three nine zero four. The Victim Support Line is one, eight eight eight, five seven nine, two eight eight eight, any time. And if anyone is in danger, call nine one one.

Now, his side. Some men tell themselves, she came back to my place, she was into it. The law doesn't accept that. What counts is agreement she communicated, to this act, at this moment. The companion course for men teaches it straight. Wait means stop, and you check in. A man who hears wait and keeps going wasn't confused. He made a choice, and it's on him.

Let's change one fact. Say Tessa never said wait. She just went quiet and still. Does that change the answer? It doesn't. In Canada, believing she agreed is no defence unless her agreement was actually shown, in words or actions. Silence and stillness are not a yes.

The trap to avoid is the question that starts with why. Why did you go back? Why didn't you leave? Friends ask it out of fear, and survivors ask it of themselves. It points the blame the wrong way. Try instead, I believe you, it's not your fault, what do you need right now?

Here's the rule, in one breath. Consent is for this act, right now, and can stop at any time, and if something happens, every choice after that is yours.

This week, look up the sexual assault centre nearest you, or save one support number in your phone, so it's there if you or a friend ever needs it. Next time, a new module, from dating to a relationship, and why to decide rather than slide.